The Road to WrestleMania begins here. Who will get a guaranteed title shot at the grandest stage of them all?
It's the most exciting time of the year to be a professional wrestling fan. Every year, the Royal Rumble kicks off the Road to WrestleMania. The most intricately-booked match of the year and possibly the greatest gimmick match of all time -- the Royal Rumble itself -- will yield a winner, who will go on to challenge for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship in the main event of the largest show of the year, WrestleMania 31.
Sunday night's Royal Rumble PPV in Philadelphia will answer a lot of questions and raise some new ones, but if there's ever a time of the year you should be paying attention to fake fighting, it's now. If you haven't watched since last year's WrestleMania (or even if you've just tuned out over the last two months of completely awful WWE television), here's everything you need to know.
Pre-show Kickoff Match: The New Day (Xavier Woods, Big E & Kofi Kingston) vs. Adam Rose, Cesaro & Tyson Kidd
What am I looking at here? The New Day is a stable of wrestlers ultimately borne from a failed attempt at creating a new Nation of Domination. Now Woods, Kingston and E are three smiling and clapping babyfaces with a loose "preacher/gospel" gimmick. Every time they appear, we're merely reminded of what could have been. Adam Rose is a party animal and rough approximation of Russell Brand's Aldous Snow character. He's been slowly moving over to the dark side, although no one really cares about that. Also, there's a whole thing with a guy in a Bunny costume. Please don't ask. Swiss strongman Cesaro has tumbled from winning the prestigious-at-the-time Andre the Giant battle royale at WrestleMania XXX to teaming with Hart Family product Tyson Kidd.
Why you should care: Tyson Kidd has secretly become the most underrated wrestler on the entire roster, working a natural extension of his Total Divas persona. He's a cocky guy who thinks very highly of himself, ignores his wife and LOVES cats. If you haven't seen his work on NXT over the past several months, you owe it to yourself to check it out. Also, you should just be watching NXT all the time anyway. Cesaro is probably going to manhandle people all over the ring, so that's fun. If nothing else, this should be a fun six-man tag team match to get things started on the right foot.
Natalya & Paige vs. Nikki & Brie Bella
What am I looking at here? All four of these women are cast members on E!'s Total Divas reality show, although Paige (the British one) is a new addition this season. Natalya is Tyson Kidd's wife and is possibly the most unlikable person on all of television (at least where Total Divas is concerned). Nikki Bella is the WWE Divas Champion. She and Brie are twins.
Why you should care: Let's see if the continued HOSS-ification of Nikki Bella continues. Natalya and Paige are probably the two best women's wrestlers on the main roster, so the talent level in this match should keep the train wreck potential to a minimum. If it's bad, it will be short. Besides, one cannot live on the Royal Rumble alone. (Just kidding; you totally could.)
New Age Outlaws vs. The Ascension
What am I looking at here? If you don't know who the New Age Outlaws are, you're probably six years old and I'm jealous of you, because your entire memories of professional wrestling consist of our modern, golden era. The Ascension are a couple of big hoss types who are aping the Road Warriors/Demolition aesthetic. WWE on-air personalities and "legends" are upset about that for some reason, despite the WWE intentionally giving The Ascenion that gimmick.
Why you should care: The New Age Outlaws showed ass at WrestleMania XXX and lost to The Shield in like two minutes. Let's hope that trend continues and The Ascension completely brutalize them in about 30 seconds and prove they're (at the very least) for-real enough to handle a couple of 50-year-olds. Because if the Outlaws get the win here ... hoooooo, boy.
WWE Tag Team Championship Match: The Usos (c) vs. The Miz & Damien Mizdow
What am I looking at here? The Usos are the twin sons of Rikishi. No, really! The Miz is the former Real World star and onetime WWE Champion and Damien Mizdow (née Sandow) is his Hollywood stunt double. These two teams have been trading the titles for a while now. There was a storyline involving The Miz and Jimmy Uso's wife, Naomi, but let's never speak of that again.
Why you should care: Damien Mizdow is one of the most entertaining acts in the WWE right now and the seeds dissension between him and The Miz have begun to be planted. Just spend the whole match watching him and you'll be entertained ... or else you have a heart of cold, unfeeling stone. Get away from me, golem.
WWE World Heavyweight Championship Match: Brock Lesnar (c) vs. John Cena vs. Seth Rollins
What am I looking at here? Brock Lesnar is the reigning, defending WWE world champion and a former UFC heavyweight champion. He once lost a portion of his guts because he refused to eat a vegetable. He's been the world champion since SummerSlam in August of last year. John Cena is a human cartoon man and probably the most popular wrestler in the world. Seth Rollins looks like one of Grant Morrison's New X-Men (as drawn by Frank Quitely) and is the current Mr. Money in the Bank, meaning that even if he doesn't come out of this match with the championship, he will still have a guaranteed world title shot any time he wants.
Why you should care: Because every day with a Brock Lesnar match is a day we are blessed to be alive. He is the last true monster in the world of professional wrestling and we must cherish his sweaty, purple, mottled, vegetable-loathing guts. He is going to stomp and German suplex and toss fools around the ring for 20 minutes and no matter who wins (probably Cena), we must hold onto these moments when a legit, terrifying Frankenstein's monster of wrestling is honoring us with a world title defense. These days won't last forever.
All three of the men in this match at are the peak of their ability as professional wrestlers. This could be a true star-making performance for Seth Rollins. It could be his first-ever world title reign. It could be the last time Lesnar humiliates Cena on a massive stage. Either way, it's going to be exciting as hell.
The Royal Rumble Match
What am I looking at here? As previously stated, possibly the greatest gimmick match of all time. This year's iteration will feature 30 WWE Superstars (some of whom will be working twice on Sunday night). Two wrestlers will begin in the ring and every 90 seconds, another Superstar will enter. The only way to be eliminated is to be thrown over the top rope, with both feet touching the floor. When only one Superstar is remaining, that wrestler will win the Rumble and will be given a WWE World Heavyweight Championship match at WrestleMania 31.
The announced Superstars participating in this year's Rumble so far are: Roman Reigns, Daniel Bryan, Bray Wyatt, Rusev, Bad News Barrett, Dean Ambrose, Dolph Ziggler, Goldust, Stardust, Big Show, Kane, The Miz, Damien Mizdow, R-Truth, Ryback, Fandango and Luke Harper.
Why you should care: The Royal Rumble is the most can't-miss match of the year, every year. There hasn't been a bad one since 1996. It's going to play out over the course of an hour (at least) and will feature surprise entrants, surprise returns, comedy, feuds being furthered, WrestleMania matches being set up and so much more. Roman Reigns has long been earmarked to win the match, but Daniel Bryan is finally back after missing most of last year due to injury. Could he possibly win the Royal Rumble people were clamoring for him to win last year -- a match he wasn't even in? Could he go on to face Brock Lesnar for the world title at WrestleMania in the greatest underdog matchup of all time? Or will Reigns continue his ascent unabated?
Or could a true underdog like Dean Ambrose or Dolph Ziggler shock the world and win the whole dang thing?
The truth is, we don't know. And that's what makes the Royal Rumble so damned exciting.
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